A Humble Suggestion –In the Spirit of Jonathan Swift

Sam Andrew

Memorandum

    From: Richard B. Cheney, Vice-President of the United States of America

    To: George W. Bush, President of the United States of America

Hello George,

            I cannot stress enough that the contents of this and my other memoranda are for your eyes only.  Well, maybe Rove’s too.  Although I don’t really know about that – he’s in enough trouble already.

            The situation in Iraq continues to worsen.  Apparently, the people have begun to realize that making our country “safer” doesn’t necessarily mean the deaths of fewer Americans (seriously – what’d they think “safe” meant?).  I mean, I thought it was genius, sending Americans to Iraq to die instead of having the Iraqis come here to kill Americans.  If we filled their monthly quota for infidels, why would they bother the homeland?

However, this plan has fallen through, and we cannot allow the American public to see our administration as a failure.  Because of this need, I submit to you a humble suggestion.

            First and foremost, my solution will solve the problem that has plagued this administration for so long: that of the missing weapons of mass destruction.  Fortunately, there is an easy way out.  Under your presidency we have increased nuclear arms production quite a bit.  Under your presidency we have passed legislation that allows for the secretive transportation of almost anything.  Under your presidency we have started a war that has resulted in the breakdown of order and the reorganization of three distinctly different Iraqi factions that hate each other even more than liberals hate us.  Do you see where I’m going here?

            General Richard Myers is currently awaiting the arrival of three H-class nuclear bombs.  (These are the ones that are unregulated for countries on the UN Security Council.)  The bombs will be transported by train from Turkey to General Myers’ station in Mosul.  They will be discreetly packaged.

            By the time the bombs arrive at the American compound in Mosul, three Army Rangers will have completed their missions to deliver false intelligence to Shiite, Sunni and Kurd clerics.  These reports, written by your office’s most talented speech-writers (touch-ups provided by Bob Novak), will contain false incendiary information about mosque burning, election rigging, hostility doing and other things that we thought would sound good.  Also contained in these reports will be information from manufactured renegade Russian scientists.  These “scientists” will offer to sell each cleric a bomb for a reasonable, yet high price.  (This is where we’ll get the cover-up money).

            Tomorrow night, a bomb will arrive at each cleric’s headquarters at the exact same time.  The letters have been written in a way that will goad the Sunnis to bomb the Shiites, the Shiites to bomb the Kurds, and the Kurds to bomb the Sunnis.  If each bomb is placed in the suggested location (those Russian scientists decided to be very helpful), ninety-five percent of the Iraqi population will be wiped out three days from now.  Man, I’m just crazy MAD for some mutually assured destruction.

            We’ll generate some false intelligence to appease the American public (hey, it’s not like we have any problem with that).  Maybe it really was some insane Russian scientists?  Whatever it’s going to be, our guys in Langley are working on it right now.

            I’ve consulted Pat Robertson, our prophet-in-chief, and along with the looming calamity forecasted for the town of Dover, Pennsylvania, he has been sent word that our plan is not only moral but is the most proper, decent, honest and ethical thing to do in the eyes of the Almighty.  Remember, this is the guy who suggested that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device, so we’d better listen or our plan might just end up as déjà vu.

            When Iraq goes out with a bang, it’ll prove to everyone that there really were WMDs there in the first place.  You and I will be so popular that, hey, maybe you’ll get your approval ratings back above forty percent.  I’m looking for some political capital to push this torture thing.  But most importantly, I’m dying to see the faces of those degenerate editors at the New York Slimes.

            In case you’re having any second thoughts about this, George, let me remind you what the alternatives were.  I mean, it’s not like we could’ve sent enough troops over there in the first place, or that we could’ve gotten some good intelligence first, or that we could’ve actually tried telling the truth to the public.  I mean, please!  But most importantly, it certainly would have been impossible to come up with any kind of exit strategy.

            Remember, we’ve got to do this now, while at least some people still think we know what the hell we’re doing.  I think we might just be able to pull this off.

            Sincerely,

Richard B. Cheney

Richard B. Cheney

                        Vice President

                        United States of America

P.S.  Don’t expect me in the office tomorrow – I’m going to be a character witness at Scooter’s trial.